Faith over Fear Part 2

     When last I wrote about this, I was grasping the greater meaning of what I was doing with my life.  My family's concerns to the contrary, I am living this way on purpose.  I am living without predictable income and tasks to do.  But I do have a goal:  To learn if God/The Universe does interact with us if we get our ego out of the way enough to receive It.  But let me go a bit deeper here.
     This is not easy, believe me.  My days are pretty good.  Nighttime evokes terror every time I go to bed.  "What the hell am I doing?!?!  This is madness!  GET A JOB!"  But I don't want a job; I want my work.  There's a difference.  The distinction is something I feel very keenly, and an inner voice keeps driving me to trust more and more, against all logic.  This terror then drives me to prayer.  But I started to pay attention to the heart of all my prayers regardless of how I couched them.  I'm begging for certainty.  It's why I go to the weather reports.  I want certainty--now--that it will get above freezing next week.  I'm asking God to promise me that everything will be fine, and that it will always be fine over long spans of time.  But I every time I ask God, "Will you take care of me?" God responds with another question: "Do you love your life?"  I'm tempted to think that's a cop out.  Then I realize, no, it is my question that is the cop out.  
     What if we are here to love, and out of love the only thing we can do is create?  Not apologize, not beg, not demand.  Create.  Out of what we are and what sets us afire.  Maybe our life is a direct connection with the Universe.  Maybe we are taking care of ourselves when we love how we live--not necessarily in comfort or predictability, but in service, appreciation, awe.  Maybe we are taken care of when we reflect these things rather than the fear of not being certain what's in store for us.  That's what I am actively pursuing in this experiment of living.  How does our inner world--faith, love, gratitude, wonder--intertwine with the outer world--relationships, work, sustenance, opportunities?   It feels daily like walking on the edge.  But my inner voice persists in doing this mad thing.  A bit as John Francis walked everywhere for 22 years or Jerry Wennstrom destroyed his art, gave away all he owned, and lived 17 years without ego and only in the moment, I'm following an imperative, testing the limits of my faith and pushing through the fear of uncertainty...although hardly in the dramatic way these chaps did; I am not in their league!
     In the film, "I Am" Desmond Tutu is being interviewed about what is right with the world.  He smiles a boyish, innocent smile, and in that warm, musical voice he remarks, "God says, 'You know what?  I don't have anybody else...except you.' "  
     Kinda hard to say "no," dontcha think?

Pax tecum.
    

Accepting Angels as We Find Them

    Today's theme harkens back to previous ones on giving and receiving.  But this time it's with an uncomfortable twist.
     You may recall Maria and her husband Luis (the Latino Thich Nhat Hanh).  It is so easy to love them.  They are quiet, generous, and the language barrier creates a boundary we can step in and out of, but it is a boundary just the same.  I've always said, boundaries are my friends.  I love boundaries.  They give me control.  Like floodgates, when I need watering I open them; when I'm drowning I close them.
     On the other side of my house is "Jack."  Jack is an elderly man with an alcohol problem and few friends.  I've seen a couple of what look like social workers, family members, and fellow alcoholics.  But even their visits are infrequent.  His eyes are perpetually glazed over, he can be coherent but more often than not he isn't, and he is often seen in his bathrobe.  He lives next door one floor above me.  It is important for you to understand this.  This photo is taken from my second floor porch.  My car is ground level...obviously.  But it is from this porch that Jack makes his presence known to me in the most unnerving manner.
     "HEY LADY!!! HOW YA DOIN'?"  The size of the font does not do justice to the sound of his voice blaring out from above me when I least expect it, from dawn to black of night.  If he is sitting on his porch when he sees me, he'll treat me to this most upsetting greeting.  It's upsetting because a) I can't see him, so it catches me off guard, b) my mind is generally on something else, and I'm jarred out of my thoughts, and c) there's no privacy from him.  I spent half the summer trying to catch a glimpse of his porch before heading out.  If I saw him, I'd wait for a more opportune moment to dash to my car and beat it out of the driveway.  I felt like an escapee from my own home.
     But being on Service Space has opened my mind to being in the world in different ways.  So when Thanksgiving came with Maria's 20-pound apples, John and I decided to share some with Jack.  John volunteered to go up to his apartment and deliver them.  Jack was so appreciative that he reciprocated an hour later by showing up at my front door barefoot and in his bathrobe with a carton of Borden's--Borden's--egg nog.  "I don't buy no cheap stuff," Jack assured me, and insisted we join him for a fortified glass of it.  We thanked him but made our excuses.
     And that's when I started to thaw a bit.  I realized that in his own way, Jack wants to be a part of our neighborhood.  He wants friends.  I still want boundaries, but I can be open to his greetings now without jumping out of my skin.  The scales really tipped just last week when he called out to me again, this time adding, "I'm always looking out for you!"  And in that moment, I was deeply touched.  Jack makes me uncomfortable because he breaches my boundaries, but he is looking out for me just the same.  He is another neighborhood angel who cares about me and wants to be cared about in return, even if I can only do it for a moment or two.  Angels may be drunk or dirty or noisy, but they are still angels.
     As I was taking my walk past his house yesterday, he yelled out to me, "I got it!"
     "What, Jack?" I asked.
     "It's a secret!"
     "Ok, I'll talk to you later."  And later, he showed up at my door, decked out in his bathrobe with two cartons of Borden's egg nog!  He mumbled something sotto voce that made no sense to me at all, but I genuinely smiled and thanked him; and he went on his way.
     So, egg nog anyone?

Pax tecum.

Expressing the Unspeakable

     For the past several months, I've been exploring some radical forms of Christianity.  No, this post is not designed to preach or proselytize; you may read it in absolute safety and comfort.  Let me simply use the space to share where my journey has taken me.
     I always thought that Christian Science was a fool's playground and kept far away from it.  But after research and conversations I start to see things with a different mind and more ease with this brand of faith.

Mary Baker Eddy, Founder of CS

So during a morning's meditation I was praying for relief from the constant pain in my back and shoulders.  CS believes that all sickness and fear is error in human mental thinking and that Divine Mind is the only reality.  In Divine Mind all is whole and perfect.  We are in Divine Mind.  And we are an expression of Divine Mind.  (It's more than that so please don't draw conclusions about this religion based solely on these comments.)  So I let my thoughts wander with this. What would it be like not only to live without pain, but to live without having to figure out how to relieve it?  What if I did allow Diving Mind/God/The Universe (insert the word of your preference here) to take care of it for me?  What if I let go of a need to control or have the answer and simply get out of the way of the expression?  Not only in this instance but in all things?  What would my life be like then?
     Then I began thinking of Meister Eckhart.  He was a 13th century Christian mystic who described God as "unspeakable" in that the concept, the power, the is-ness is beyond human comprehension.  But It is always "expressing" Itself through us and all things.  His sermons departed from the party line so extremely that he was posthumously censored.  You can see why I like this fellow.
    I began to feel excitement.  Anticipation.  Fun.  Yes, fun!  I would be experiencing my life as the power greater than myself took over and said, "Stand back, kid, and watch this!"  You know those times yourself.  Someone picks you up to go somewhere--you don't know where because it's a surprise--and suddenly you are in the midst of a delightful adventure.  It may be the restaurant you've always wanted to try or a visit with a friend you haven't seen in years.  You have no control over how it happens, but it's absolutely what you want, and you get it!  That's what this feels like to me.

Meister Eckhart, actually a fun guy!

     When I awake each day, I no longer ask, "What can I do to be of service?"  Now I wonder, "How will God express Itself through me today?"  I am less an operator in this scenario and more of an instrument.  I push and fret less, and I allow and open up to more.  The judgments are stilled as I trust that, whatever happens today, I am being used for a good purpose.  Sometimes I actively assist a friend with a project.  Other times I am the receptacle for others' gifts, allowing them to practice generosity.  Sometimes I am the laughter.  Or am I the stillness.  But more and more, I am allowing myself to be "the expression" of what is whole and perfect
     You don't have to read about CS or turn this into a religious quest.  But I do invite you to play with the idea of being an expression of the Universe and letting go of the need to know how and why and all those other cerebral blocks that masquerade as necessities.  Just see where It takes you today.  And if you have an adventure or an insight, please share it here with us.  Everyone loves a good story.

Pax tecum.