Now

     Lately I've been thinking a lot about now....because it is inextricably linked with time...and I've been thinking a lot about time, too.  Now that I am freelancing my time is my own.  I can chose to work at any time of day or night, which means I can do other things whenever I want.  So I pay attention to when I feel pressure, and pressure is usually about being anyplace but now.  My mind goes back to the past to reinforce a belief that may no longer be useful; it projects into the future and frets upon how things will work out.  But when I'm in now, my mind goes in a whole different direction--toward my heart.

     Here it is May, and while there are definitely signs of spring, it has been a long time coming, and I don't think it has decided to take residence completely.  We came close to frost last night!  But that also means that flowers are blooming later and staying longer.  I marveled at the countless buds that appeared on my lilac bushes this year.  Part of me couldn't wait for them to bloom.  But a larger part of me wanted to hold that moment off.  Once they bloom they will begin their inexorable decline toward death.  So I began to appreciate anticipation in a way I had not done before.   Tommy is another next door neighbor all of nine years old.  He is rather small for his age but a dynamo!  He helps me shovel snow and now wants to mow my lawn.  No, he's serious.  He is also the sweetest soul on Earth.  He'll stop by just to sit on my porch to talk to me.  And every time I look into his smiling golden-green eyes I am convinced that behind them is a mighty and gracious spiritual entity.  Yet I know some day he will shoot up like a bean stalk, get a part-time job, fall in love, go to college, move away....  And in that thought my heart breaks that this perfect now cannot go on forever.
     On the other hand, I push so hard for things to happen now.  I just planted vegetables and am boggled that they are taking so long to grow.  I get frustrated when it takes me so much longer to learn something than I think it should.  I feel deep in my bones that I will be in great shape financially, but the operative word is in the future tense.  I want it now!  
     Yet when I sit down and breathe and observe how time and seasons unfold, I feel myself to be in a very safe place.  I will ruminate over my fears until I can sit down on the porch beside the lilacs and breathe in their elixir.  I can observe my cucumbers and be equally boggled that in less than 12 hours another leaf has emerged off my radar.  I can feel the joy of working with my clients.  I am slowly learning that now can be an eternity in itself.  And life is a string of nows.  Seen in that way we can develop more patience with life and ourselves, we can trust, and we can savor our own becoming.