Follow the Energy

     I'm no stranger to anxiety.  It gets the best of me when I overwhelm myself and lose my center.  But in those moments, I think of what my friend Richard always says:  Follow the energy.
     Today I had a lot of things to do and people to connect with.  This is good because I want to be useful.  But thinking of them all at once along with imagined consequences?  Mmmmmm, not so good.  How to break that mindset?  Well I was making my coffee around 6:45am enjoying a beautiful sunrise in the east, when I noticed a very dark sky in the west.  I love the play of light in the sky, so I abandoned kitchen duty to follow my energy up to the back porch.  Amazingly, there was a rainbow stretching across my neighbor's house!  First I had no inkling it would rain this morning; the sky looked that innocuous.  Then to see this wonder of nature just blew me away.  What a reward for breaking with habit and acting on impulse.
     Then my roofer showed up to investigate the cause of the leak on my front porch.  He is very pleasant and knows his stuff.  Since I had all these things to do, I was hoping he'd just do his work, give me the diagnosis, and be off.  But then I followed my energy.  I let him engage me in a 90-minute conversation that left my jaw hanging.  He loves the roofing work, but he is also a writer, a musician, and an inventor!  "See that gadget on your storm door that keeps it open when you push the button?  I invented that."  One fascinating revelation after another.  He is probably the most "non-pigeon" person I've ever met in my life.  Trust me, I'm staying in touch with him.
     Finally, I began my course, "I'm No Pigeon," this evening at our adult education program.  I had done little preparation for it; I like to conjure the opening remarks just to get myself pumped up for the class.  But I was sidetracked by everything else that day and ran out of time.  I simply followed the energy instead.  Sure enough I was sharing my  insights with the students when one leaned forward with light bulbs going off over his head.  Whatever I had said resonated with him deeply, and he began to think about his situation differently.

    Anxiety almost got the better of me.  When I allowed myself to feel burdened, I blocked myself off from inspiration.  But when I chose to open myself to inspiration, there it was.  Will it always be this dramatic?   Who knows?  But each day is different, each moment presents opportunities.  So what opportunities might you be missing by being caught up in your own anxieties?  Just be aware and open to inspiration.  I'd love to know what you discovered.

Pax tecum.

Reflections in Fur

     You know how you can interpret dreams and find insights into your life by discerning symbols?  Well these days I'm interpreting cats.  My present circumstance is just waaaaaay too bizarre to  think of it any other way.

Buckminster as bathroom doorstop

     Buckminster is my main cat.  We adopted each other two years ago.  He's huge, intrepid, defiant, and goofy.  He falls asleep in his water bowl like a drunkard in his cups.  He sprawls out in the most inconvenient places.  He reflects the part of me that is comfortable and well cared for.  The part of me that is brave, imagines wonderful and sometimes confrontational scenarios for myself.  I know it all.  I believe in myself.  I can get a little stupid.
     Kierkegaard is a delicate, tiger gray feral cat who is a mass of anxieties.  I can't get more than three feet near him before he bolts.  But he will take food on the porch, and if I'm patient, I can coax him into the house.  As can Buckminster.  One day I came home from shopping to find the two of them in a Mexican standoff on the outer rim of the upstairs porch.  Clearly Bucky had taught him how to navigate the cat door, climb up the stairs, and squeeze between the balusters.  Kierke reflects the part of me that is scared, insecure, afraid to get too involved for fear of losing independence, yet in need of a mentor and helpmate despite my reluctance.
     Larry is my homeless cat, a petite, orange polydactyl.  Larry is besotted with me.  He follows me around the neighborhood on my walks.  But he requires mucho medical attention, and the budget will not allow for that at the moment.  So I keep him well fed and sheltered on the porch so that he doesn't share any potential diseases with us.  But Larry hates Bucky.  And the two of them have gotten into it pretty viciously.  It is astounding to see my twenty pounder cower in front of this bantam weight.  Larry knows about the cat door, and while he can't use it, he knows Bucky does, and will stand sentinel to see he doesn't get in or out without a fight.  Larry reflects external reality.  It dogs me with a leaking roof, skyrocketing medical premiums, replacement tires, and faulty feet.  It won't let me escape into comfort or confidence, real or imagined.  I must keep attending to it despite my desire to keep it at bay.
     Right now I'm a little annoyed with all of them.  I care for them and their conflicting needs so much that I am neglecting my writing and everything else I want to devote myself to.  So here's my plan for the week.  Minimal involvement.  They're cats.  They're smart.  They'll have to do without me a bit more because I am going to be more self-centered and take care of myself.  I have to, because they sure can't.  Let's see what happens when I change the dynamics.    
     And pray that I don't fall victim to feline mind control!

Pax tecum.

My Left Ankle

     After more than a year's delay I took myself to see a Certified Movement Analyst.  July 2011, in my attempt to improve my physical well being, I started jump roping.  Fifteen seconds into it, I felt a snap in my left ankle.  While not broken, it hasn't been right since.  Well of course not, it's my left ankle, but you know what I mean.  Now my body is out of alignment.  In particular my knee is sore because my foot turns inward so much more.  How symbolic is that!  I turn inward spiritually a lot as well. 

     Enter Mavis Lockwood.  All she did was observe how I move, ask a bunch of questions, apply her prodigious understanding of anatomy to the situation, and give me a few exercises to do.  
     "Do you always get up from a chair like that?"
     "Like what?"
     "You lean to the right."
     "I do?!?!"
     I had no idea that I was listing to the right when I stand and walk.  I had no idea that I was bending with my back and not my legs.  I had no idea my head leans forward when I stand or sit.  Of course not.  We never notice what feels natural to us.  She also pointed out that we can exercise with the very best intentions, but without an expert to observe us we could be doing it wrong.   Suffice it to say, all Mavis did was to help me tremendously.
     This gets me thinking about how much we may be fortifying our practices of all kinds because we think we are doing them right...or are right!  I can spend a lot of time going inward and mucking around in my stuff, thinking I am getting to know myself and healing myself.  But what if I'm just getting stuck in a different way?  I have a wonderful new man in my life.  After six weeks together we've become more open with each other.  I shared some of my relationship history with him one night, and in his very warm and understanding voice he said, "That explains a lot."  Puzzled I asked him to say more.  "Well you come across as so confident that I began to think that I wouldn't be able to keep up with you."  So here I am practicing confidence, self-reliance, everything I think I need to do to take care of myself; and now I understand where I might come across as intimidating. 
     Would you consider asking people to share their observations of you?  Enlist a colleague, a trusted friend, someone with whom you share an interest.  Ask about your body language, how you hit a tennis ball, what your phone manner is like.  Make it a neutral behavior.  Just get observations.  Ask more questions about it for clarification.  Talk about what you'd like to alter and how, if you feel it necessary at all.  But whether you make a change or not, it is amazing to see yourself through another's eyes.

Pax tecum.

The Gifts of Silence

    Wow! 
    That's the only word I can use to describe my recent four-day silent retreat.  I wish I could convince every one of you to do a retreat of this kind once or twice a year.  Forget vacations.  Stay home or go to a retreat center and get off screens, off phones, off clocks, off voice, off distractions.  Actively invite your own personal spiritual awakening.  I'm serious.  You can do this and reap remarkable insights.
     Each retreat I do is different although the trappings are similar.  I'm silent and alone.  I do some kind of physical work.  I stare out into space.  I journal and read.  I meditate.  How often and for how long changes as I follow my inner guidance.  While some of you might think it would be boring, it is far from it.  My mind is active with ideas, my heart is full of gratitude, my body speaks to me of pain and sorrow.  I soar to breathtaking heights.  I plumb the depths of my being.  And I become aware of something greater than myself reaching out and embracing me.  You couldn't write a screenplay to compare with it.
     The theme which reveals itself to me is also different for every retreat.
This time my vehicle for insights was dreaming.  Being off alcohol and caffeine cleared my brain, and I was sleeping with less disturbance.  I had two big dreams whose symbolism was startlingly clear:  Self first and walk my talk.  They gave me the courage of my convictions and the ability to loosen my grip on some old beliefs.  Four days later I am falling back into some old patterns.  But I can see that, even chuckle about it, and know where my center is.
      Here is the question I pose to you as a result of my retreat.  It is not rhetorical.  Really take the time to think about it.  Do you know what you are missing?  If your mind is filled with images, music, news, screens are you even remotely aware of what wisdom and insights lie within you?  How can you hear it, use it, be inspired by it if you don't make the opening for this richness to stream through?  How many of you might discover a prayer has been answered but missed the response amid the cacophony?  Who among you might observe your own powers of extrasensory gifts without distractions to blind you to them?
     If any of you are interested in pursuing this further, I am happy to assist you with it.  If you live nearby, I am offering my trio of talks on Simplicity, Solitude, and Silence through the Valley Regional Adult Education program (www.vrae.org).  I also offer silent weekend retreats here at Orchard House for clients looking for a guided retreat experience.  And soon I will be offering a workbook for those of you who wish to pursue these experiences on your own.  But promise yourself to get silence into your life.  I guarantee you'll wonder how you ever lived without it.  

   Pax tecum.