Struggling with Easy

     Given my proclivity for self-improvement, I see what is difficult in my life and use it as a means to work through issues that are holding me back.  My body pain, my stressful jobs, my failed relationships, my financial uncertainty, it's all useful.  Well either I make it useful or I'll just curl up into the fetal position and cry, which on occasion I have done.  Living alone for 14 years has afforded me the freedom to explore all this, and my life is wonderful as a result since I've learned some powerful lessons about solitude and self-reliance. 
     Two months ago, a man entered my life.  We'll call him John--because that's his name.  It took only one afternoon together for us to realize we were very comfortable with each other.  We had so much in common--interests, values, humor--that it was like reconnecting with a long lost best friend.  And as I had always hoped it would happen, we each fell in love with our best friend.  Cue the lush music.
     Those of you who know me know I am living a highly unconventional life of existential exploration. And without a life's partner, I can just live it, no questions asked.  Now John is in my life.  We spend a lot of time together sharing households, meals, ideas, delights and frustrations.  We are negotiating how and when we do things.  He is getting to know my family.  Then I started to talk about my lifestyle and aspirations.  With no small amount of anxiety, I described how I wanted to live with more occupational freedom so I could make a contribution to the world on my own terms.  I braced myself for the moment when I would look into his eyes and see him pull away from me.  I would have felt hurt and lost.  And that would have been easy because it would have been another opportunity to learn something.  I know that drill by heart.
     Instead this man looked me in the eyes with empathy and respect, saying he understood what I was trying to do.  He said he really admired me and thought this was fabulous.  He put his arm around me and encouraged me to keep going.  He offered help and support.  Then I panicked.  This is not the way it's supposed to go.  Where's the pain?  Where's the struggle?  This is too easy!  I started to invent all kinds of worst-case scenarios in my mind.  I doubted my ability to remain self-reliant as I began to feel I needed him.  I created imaginary arguments in order to defend myself against...against...what?  Love.  I was actually resisting love.  How weird is that?
     So now I have new lessons to learn.  Relaxation.  Partnering.  Sharing.  Happiness.  Trust. Surrender.  I've always wanted a partner like this.  He's here.  I hope I can handle this.  How about you?  When did you finally get an unmixed blessing?  How did you react to it?  How's it going for you?  What did you learn?  And how have you changed? 
      I wish you joy of the easy in your life.

Pax tecum.