At the same time, I have to pay bills; I want to participate in society. That takes money. Problem is I've never been comfortable holding down a job. Nine to five, office politics, commuting--all of this just drains me, and it never really allows me to fulfill my mission unless I do that in my spare time. Such a life is not for me, despite the fact that I have spent years doing it. It seems such a waste. I love "working." I want to be supported through my work. I hate holding down "jobs." But I've sacrificed my gifts and desires in order to make money. I've given up my Life to do life.
Exactly two years ago I quit my job, expecting my dream to come true in a flash. Instead my life went haywire. The paid work I intended to do did not pan out. Money was running short. I was swinging from inspiration to abject terror on a regular basis. I knew what I wanted to do, but how could I pull in the money? Stay the course...no, get a job...no, stay the course.... I drove myself to distraction and anguish. How do I get this to sync up? But in that chaos and pain, here's what I learned: When I was able to still the fear, things began to flow. While the "jobs" I pursued evaded me, money came to me in the nick of time in the form of gifts and unexpected work.
Another such financial precipice was looming before me recently. Not knowing how I would get through the next few months, I finally surrendered and sent up a prayer a few days ago saying, "I'm going to trust that things will work out. I've got my passions for a reason, and holding down a job I don't really want interferes with fulfilling my mission even if it is taking care of me financially. God, you have to figure this out for me, because I cannot." And despite not knowing how this would play out, I let go of the fear, the confusion, the waffling, and I trusted. I chose to live my Life on my terms. I chose to be at peace. A few days later, I unexpectedly received some inheritance money that will allow me to do all of the above for the next three months!
This is the fifth time some work or monetary gift has come out of nowhere to help me. Once is an interesting phenomenon. Twice is a coincidence. But five is a pattern, and it's trustworthy. I don't know what will happen three months from now, and I am beginning to believe that's not my problem. Until the end of February, I will be living my dream life, serving wherever I can, being philanthropic, developing a deeper contemplative and prayer-filled life. Because when God answers a prayer, I am obliged to fulfill my end of the bargain.
To lead the life of our heart's desire requires us to let go of fear in order for the Universe to work with us. We read this in many different spiritual traditions:
- In Zen Buddhism we find in the Five Mindfulness Trainings - I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment.
- From the Christ's Sermon on the Mount - Do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?
- From the Five Precepts of Reiki - Just for today I will be free from worry.
- In Mary Baker Eddy's "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures" - Always begin your treatment by allaying the fear of the patients. Silently reassure them as to their exemption from disease and danger. Watch the result of this simple rule of Christian Science, and you will find that it alleviates the symptoms of every disease. If you succeed in wholly removing the fear your patient is healed.
If you could reduce your fear, how would you spend your life's energy, your gifts, your time? I'd love to know. Let me invite you to comment here, and share support and inspiration with others.
Pax tecum.
Funny, you talk of reducing fear, I recently realized that in 2007 I married the second time to a man I wished only to be friends with, due to fear. My son was moving to Maryland to join a fire department, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my ex was going to marry his girlfriend (my ex and I had been married 38 years before we divorced.) I remember thinking I will be alone, and out of fear allowed my friends and 2nd husband to convince me to get married. He approached me by saying he had these overwhelming thoughts at Mass. Convinced this must be God's will, I allowed myself to beleive him. At the time, the thought that God was quite capable of telling me Himself what He wanted out of my life, never occured to me. My 2nd husband, however was terminally ill when we married and passed away a year and a half later. I never knew he was ill when I married him. If you let fear motivate you, you will make every mistake possible. I now try to look at fear as an object and let it pass by me. I wish never to make a decision out of fear. If I had a good voice, my dream would be to sing. I would love to sing and bring joy to the world. But I do not have this gift, so I must think of other ways to sing.
ReplyDeleteVery touching and instructive, Lynda. Fear makes us do the darnedest things. And yet sometimes we do them because we don't trust that going against the norm IS the right thing to do. Thank you for share your experience and wisdom with us all.
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