Fading Away

     It feels a little bit like death when I think about moving in with John.  For the second time in my life, I am letting go of almost everything to move into a new phase of my life.  The move will not happen soon; heaven knows there is still much to prepare for and do, selling the house is but one thing.  But I'm aware of yet another James Taylor lyric that I often sing:  "What do I do when my dream comes true?"  
     After 15 years in a difficult marriage, I pursued singlehood with a vengeance.  I had to be able to do it all myself, or find trustworthy people to do it for me.  I had to remake an identity.  Who was I when I was no longer in a relationship?  I pretty much figured that out.  For 15 years I've been living that life, and it has been a wow!  Every bit of it.
     But a year ago, something inside me said it's time to learn how to be in a relationship--a great relationship!  And so I stepped into the world of online dating, something one should do only if one's sense of humor is fully developed.  Eight months later, there was John, the Unicorn!  Thank you God!  And I could not have envisioned a more perfect partner.  We are not completely alike.  Where we differ, it is instructive for both of us.  And where we are alike it is effortless.  But it means surrendering this life for another.  Already I'm having to do laundry differently, walk more, and eat graham crackers.  John is having to let me pick out new colors for the house (good riddance harvest gold!), cook more interesting foods, and throw out 30 years of accumulated non-essentials.  These changes bring us closer together and help us to form a "we."  But there will be more changes to come.  When I sell the house, I will grieve.  It is not in great shape, but it is 93 years old and full of character.  The arts and crafts style front door.  The stained-glass window.  The two porches.  The soothing light and openness.  It holds so many memories.  And then there are my neighbors; ugh, I don't even want to think of leaving them!  But the other aspect of my life I'll be surrendering is struggle.  I've been engaged in struggle for a very long time.  This feels like my life, my identity.  And moving into a place where the house is in far better repair and someone is in my life to share decisions and sorrows will make my life easier.  For a few days surrendering to this new life felt like a cop out, and I'll be writing more on this to be sure.  But what I realized is that finally I have what I desired.  One of my dreams has come true.  It just threw me off center for a while before I understood that.
     As I learned the last time I did this, my life is more fluid and permeable than my environment.  Even more than my thoughts and notions.  If I stay open remarkable things happen.  I grow.  And this time I get to grow with another.  So the next year will be tricky.  Like a traveler in Star Trek's transporter, part of me will be here and part of me there until I materialize in one place.  It will not be comfortable or easy.  But I wanted you to be aware in case I started to look fuzzy to you.

Pax tecum.

Faith over Fear Part One

     What is your life about?  What are the core values?  What do you want it to mean when it is done?  I ask myself these questions on a daily basis.  The answers are easy:  I want to be of service, I want to lead a more prayerful, mindful life, and I want to be wildly philanthropic.  I can't think of a more delightful way to pass my mortal hours than making someone's life a little lighter, putting more wholesome energy into the world, and supporting the work of others to make the world a better place.  This is no Miss America acceptance speech;  I mean it, down in the bones of my soul.  My life is about service through writing, teaching, facilitating, speaking, prayer, and philanthropy.  I want to use these gifts so much it hurts.
     At the same time, I have to pay bills; I want to participate in society.  That takes money.  Problem is I've never been comfortable holding down a job.  Nine to five, office politics, commuting--all of this just drains me, and it never really allows me to fulfill my mission unless I do that in my spare time.  Such a life is not for me, despite the fact that I have spent years doing it.  It seems such a waste.  I love "working."  I want to be supported through my work. I hate holding down "jobs."  But I've sacrificed my gifts and desires in order to make money.  I've given up my Life to do life.  
     Exactly two years ago I quit my job, expecting my dream to come true in a flash.  Instead my life went haywire.  The paid work I intended to do did not pan out.  Money was running short.  I was swinging from inspiration to abject terror on a regular basis.  I knew what I wanted to do, but how could I pull in the money?  Stay the course...no, get a job...no, stay the course....  I drove myself to distraction and anguish.  How do I get this to sync up?  But in that chaos and pain, here's what I learned:  When I was able to still the fear, things began to flow.  While the "jobs" I pursued evaded me, money came to me in the nick of time in the form of gifts and unexpected work.  
     Another such financial precipice was looming before me recently.  Not knowing how I would get through the next few months, I finally surrendered and sent up a prayer a few days ago saying, "I'm going to trust that things will work out.  I've got my passions for a reason, and holding down a job I don't really want interferes with fulfilling my mission even if it is taking care of me financially.  God, you have to figure this out for me, because I cannot."  And despite not knowing how this would play out, I let go of the fear, the confusion, the waffling, and I trusted.  I chose to live my Life on my terms.  I chose to be at peace.  A few days later, I unexpectedly received some inheritance money that will allow me to do all of the above for the next three months!
   This is the fifth time some work or monetary gift has come out of nowhere to help me.  Once is an interesting phenomenon.  Twice is a coincidence.  But five is a pattern, and it's trustworthy.  I don't know what will happen three months from now, and I am beginning to believe that's not my problem.  Until the end of February, I will be living my dream life, serving wherever I can, being philanthropic, developing a deeper contemplative and prayer-filled life. Because when God answers a prayer, I am obliged to fulfill my end of the bargain.
     To lead the life of our heart's desire requires us to let go of fear in order for the Universe to work with us.  We read this in many different spiritual traditions:

• In Zen Buddhism we find in the Five Mindfulness Trainings - I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment. 
• From the Christ's Sermon on the Mount - Do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 
• From the Five Precepts of Reiki - Just for today I will be free from worry.  
• In Mary Baker Eddy's "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures" - Always begin your treatment by allaying the fear of the patients.  Silently reassure them as to their exemption from disease and danger.  Watch the result of this simple rule of Christian Science, and you will find that it alleviates the symptoms of every disease.  If you succeed in wholly removing the fear your patient is healed.

This fascinates me.  These very different traditions all point to fear as that which separates us from our higher self, from wholeness, from fulfilling our purpose, from God.  So now I want to live my life as an experiment.  If I follow my heart's desire to be of service, to be philanthropic, to lead a more contemplative and prayerful life, does God provide the means?  It certainly seems so.  I deeply believe it is time to let go of my faith as an intellectual construct and give it breath and blood.  One does not live an extraordinary life by being conventional or buying into fears.  I don't know what my prospects will look like three months from now.  I no longer have to.  In the next three months, I will live the life I have longed for, in service, in peace, in congruence with my beliefs and values.  I'll let you know how it goes.

     If you could reduce your fear, how would you spend your life's energy, your gifts, your time?  I'd love to know.  Let me invite you to comment here, and share support and inspiration with others.

Pax tecum.

Strawberry Fields Impermanently

"Let me take you down 'cause I'm going to..."

...Jones Family Farms in this case.  It was the end of the season, and I wanted to be sure to get some fresh strawberries. I'm always amazed that fresh-picked strawberries are so juicy, unlike store bought which tend more toward crunchy. 

The folks at Jones will give you a large box before you go out into the field.  But this single chick figured better take just one plastic container of my own, and when it was full, that was it.

While it was a hot and sticky day downtown, up on Pumpkin Seed Hill the wind blew refreshingly over those of us picking in between the rows.  You have to be very careful not to step on trailing vines or bump into overly ripe fruit.  In this approach to the task, I experienced something like reverence.  The act of kneeling, moving slowly, and gingerly pinching the stems made me mindful not only of the berries but of the day and those around me.  The leaves felt leathery and hearty.   I could hear a mother with her children giggling through the rows with evidence of sampling on their chins.

The picking became a meditation that I did not wish to end.  Everything was so perfect.  But my container was filling up.  A dialog began in my head.  "I wish I had another container."  "Why?"  "I'd like to pick more!"  "But you know you can't eat more. They'll just go bad, and you'll throw them out."  "True.  When the container is full I will stop and have just what I need and want."  "Enough" is a difficult concept for our consumer society.  We don't want to run out of things or let go of gorgeous experiences.  But if they are always there, they becomes commonplace.  We miss what made them special.  We toss the unused portions into the compost bin.

The next time you go to a store, just check in with yourself without judgments.  Are you shopping  only for necessities?  If something not on the list strikes your fancy, do you put it in the carriage?  Are you standing in front of the jam section looking at the ten different brands trying to decide which to buy?  Do you remember when your city had a power outage, and you were staring at the last jar of mint jelly on the shelf?  Permanence.  Impermanence.  Enough.  Too much.  Not enough.  I just offer this as an idea to play with.  You may find by exploring these words you examine whether you are living a particular moment on purpose or on autopilot, in the past, future, or present.  Nothing more.  But maybe the awareness is enough.  Savor your awareness.  It's so juicy!

Pax tecum.

Don't Curb Your Enthusiasm

I found a great book I wasn't supposed to be interested in.  Think and Grow Rich: A Black Choice by Dennis Kimbro and Napoleon Hill.  Normally I would regard the title as boooooooogus, but years ago one of my favorite colleagues, himself Black and an ex-offender, told me how it inspired him.  Seeing it available for one mere dollar at Written Words Bookstore (www.writtenwordsbookstore.com.  Did you all catch the shout out?), I decided to buy it.  I've been reading a lot about money these days.  And I am thinking about it as part of our life force and how our history and psychology mingle with it.  How do we create abundance?  How do we create deprivation?  What stories do we tell ourselves regarding it? 


I'm not halfway through this very short and readable paperback and the main idea is hitting me like a piano falling on my head.  Be enthusiastic about your idea!  LOVE your idea.  Sleep, eat, and breathe your idea.  Hold it to your bosom like a newborn baby and keep nurturing it.  

The Black authors say they wrote this book for Black Americans who struggle with success.  But this middle-aged White chick struggles with it as well.  The stories we tell ourselves, they say, determine how hard we will work, whom we will attract to help us, and if we keep our eyes and ears open for opportunities.  The stories can keep us moving through the long, dark nights into the light of day or stuck at an entrance, trying to find the way in.  I have not been telling myself very good stories.  "Why would anyone want to pay for a course on silence?  That's just an absurd notion!"  "Why would anyone come to a working class neighborhood for a silent retreat?  God knows there are far more beautiful places for that."  More significant is "Why does my passion for this persist?  I must be crazy."  Enough!


Many of us now desire a different lifestyle.  Either 9 to 5 no longer appeals to us, or it no longer wants us.  We are now creating new forms of work that spring from our unique gifts, gifts that aren't always conventional.  It is tough, often lonely, confusing, and we make mistakes (Boy, do I hate that part).  We need buddies to help us through all of this.  Not just networking groups--buddies.  People we know and trust, who care about us, and remind us of why we're doing what we do.  We need to share better stories to get to success.  We need to keep each others' enthusiasm burning brightly.

So here's my challenge to you:  All of you, if you would, please--PLEASE--declare to the rest of us what you are enthusiastic about.  What do you want to achieve?  How can we help each other?  If you've already achieved a dream or two, what did you learn?  What got you scared?  What made you brave?  Would you like to be a mentor?  Come back to this post often and see who's responding to YOU.  Pass this blog post on to others who might be interested.  If you want to make a private connection, let me know; I can play go-between, providing email addresses or phone numbers.  Maybe there's some face to face opportunities in the offing.  Anything could happen.  I created this blog to create community.  Come join in! 


Wow!  I'm feeling really enthusiastic about this!!!


Pax tecum.

Playing the Fool for God

God makes me do foolish things.  I live in the over-amped, over-worked southwest of the northeast, and I am constantly called out of a steady job to do things that are hard to define (like this blog).  In my time I've worked successfully as a librarian, a university administrator, an HR manager, and a few other things in between.  This itinerary is due partly to boredom or wicked stress.  But it's not that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  In every instance I feel this persistent inspiration to take a long step out into space to do something else, something more meaningful, spiritual, and useful to more people.  I feel called to live a different kind of life--a more authentic life.  I feel called to speak about it and help others pursue it.   So I chuck these jobs for a new venture: Reiki, life coaching, a semi-monastic life.  The effort seems to take longer than I think it should.  My finances get shaky. Then off I run to the safety of 9 to 5, trying once again to pass for normal in this society.

Since I have no spouse or children, it is easier for me to take risks than it may be for most people.  Still I often feel like a fool.  I have anxiety around my free-wheeling lifestyle.  There is no dependable income.  It is hard to talk about myself in introductory conversations where the question "So what do you do?" eventually comes up.  But recently I've begun to recast my life.  "I'm no pigeon," I said to myself in a moment of clarity.  "So I don't fit in a pigeon hole!"  

The epiphany expanded.  I realized that I am not failing--bailing, yes, but not failing!  The problem is that I am not trusting. I believe my spirituality needs to be scripted.  And when the script is rewritten, I either lose faith or I reexamine my faith--the best case scenario. I keep trying to make my life into something booked by a travel agent when, in fact, I'm drawing the map as I go.  I have a growing suspicion that if I just release the expectations of how I think things should work, I just might be able to fulfill my calling.  It is also my fast growing experience that there are others--you perhaps--who are searching for a more authentic life outside the pigeon hole.

So, Gentle Reader, please take note:  I am writing this in the present tense.  If you are looking for answers here you'll stumble upon them--as well as the blocks--in real time right along with me.  But I'm guessing if I avoid the pigeon holes in my own mind, this is going to be a far richer and more useful life.  Thank you for walking some of this path with me and sharing any maps you may have in your pocket with all of us.  Pax tecum.