God makes me do foolish things. I live in the over-amped, over-worked southwest of the northeast, and I am constantly called out of a steady job to do things that are hard to define (like this blog). In my time I've worked successfully as a librarian, a university administrator, an HR manager, and a few other things in between. This itinerary is due partly to boredom or wicked stress. But it's not that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. In every instance I feel this persistent inspiration to take a long step
out into space to do something else, something more meaningful,
spiritual, and useful to more people. I feel called to live a different kind of life--a more authentic life. I feel called to speak about it and help others pursue it. So I chuck these jobs for a new venture: Reiki, life coaching, a semi-monastic life. The effort seems to take longer than I think it should. My finances get shaky. Then off I run to the safety of 9 to 5, trying once again to pass for normal in this society.
Since I have no spouse or children, it is easier for me to take risks than it may be for most people. Still I often feel like a fool. I have anxiety around my free-wheeling lifestyle. There is no dependable income. It is hard to talk about myself in introductory conversations where the question "So what do you do?" eventually comes up. But recently I've begun to recast my life. "I'm no pigeon," I said to myself in a moment of clarity. "So I don't fit in a pigeon hole!"
The epiphany expanded. I realized that I am not failing--bailing, yes, but not failing! The problem is that I am not trusting. I believe my spirituality needs to be scripted. And when the script is rewritten, I
either lose faith or I reexamine my faith--the best case scenario. I keep trying to make my life into something booked by a travel agent when, in fact, I'm drawing the map as I go. I have a growing suspicion that if I just release the expectations of how I think things should work, I just might be able to fulfill my calling. It is also my fast growing experience that there are others--you perhaps--who are searching for a more authentic life outside the pigeon hole.
So, Gentle Reader, please take note: I am writing this in the present tense. If you are looking for answers here you'll stumble upon them--as well as the blocks--in real time right along with me. But I'm guessing if I avoid the pigeon holes in my own mind, this is going to be a far richer and more useful life. Thank you for walking some of this path with me and sharing any maps you may have in your pocket with all of us. Pax tecum.
When I thought of starting a blog, it was called "Walking in Pittsburgh." When the first post appears next week, the blog will be "Rambling in Piitsburgh" and I'm sure our paths will cross!
ReplyDeleteRob
Rob, I eagerly anticipate the debut of your blog. I'll look for it. And thank you so very much for visiting mine.
DeleteJan
Hi Janis!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful statement.
I think it's tough to trust. Trust is earned. Perhaps the more you/we travel through our lives, the more we can learn to let go - but it's a piecemeal process. This is what I've found.
When you meet a person you like and believe you will someday love, you grow towards this person in small steps. So, too, with God, or the Universe or the future. Afterall, we see only a small piece of the map - while the mapmaker sees everything.
If you've ever been hurt deeply by life, well, it's kinda tough to run out and embrace the unknown.It's tough to trust that life wants to bring you something happy . . . Because the things that ultimately shape us and lead us forward are the difficult things. . . they are the things we appreciate after we've survived them and they are long gone. I think trust takes a lot of living and a lot of practice.
Oh, to release expectations! That means we have to be equally grateful for the 'bad' things in your life as well as for the positive - or what appears to be positive. I haven't gotten there yet, though I would love to be there someday . . . acceptance.
Your intention is to live a conscious life. You are already a huge success! How many people undertake any self-examination or desire to embrace a moment-by-moment life?
I also live one of those odd lives. I'm a writer. When I say that, people want to know what I have published. I say I am in the process of publishing . . . and I have become fine with that. Because the writing is what makes me a writer. Publishing is something else.
And because I 'own' this now, people's responses cannot put me down.
I agree with what you're saying, Jan. It's a huge challenge to go through life awake, isn't it?
Sunny
Suuny, may I encourage you to write a blog of your own? That way I can subscribe to it and recommend it. A writer you are indeed! And you have just said some things which touch me deeply. This is gorgeous Truth. And a wonderful gift for me and others who will read it. Please keep writing--here and everywhere else you can!
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DeleteWonderful comments Jan.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with purpose for the last 25-30 years or so of my life. Losing a child will ground you in that way.
I have come to realize that we are spirits on a human journey rather than humans on a spiritual journey. There's a big difference between the two. Primarily, it means we are spirits first. And spirit never dies; only the human part does.
Pursuit of meaning and purpose in one’s life does not usually present itself during the younger years. It's only through experiences and then reflection as we age, that we ask ourselves "what have I done with my life? Who did I help? Was my life purposeful?"
I believe that even if the answers to those questions are negative in nature, it's actually ok. Just the fact that you have meditated on them means that you are at a point where they are now important to you.
A simple act of kindness, someone you helped, even holding a door for someone can send ripples out just like a stone that's tossed into a lake.
Point being, it's never, ever too late to start and every act of goodness and kindness, even the smallest in nature, are so very significant and important.
I am reading a book called "Consciousness Beyond Life" by Dr. Pim Van Lommel, a world renown cardiologist and scientist.
I have been on a quest to "know" that life continues absolutely after this human experience – not just to hope that it does.
This book will help so many people because it looks at what consciousness is, where it resides, near death experiences over the ages and across cultures. And the facts not just anecdotal but scientifically based and proven as well.
I've read in the neighborhood of 100 books on the subject over the past 30 years or so and this one condenses much of the past research and case histories with the most up to date research on the subject(s) into one volume.
For me, it helps me to solidify my faith in God not just as a blind follower, but as a believer who is also armed with real facts for what and why I believe.
You are on the same path Jan. We all are, perhaps traveling on different paths, but with the same goal in mind.
Frank
Frank, I will definitely look for this book. It sounds like a keeper.
DeleteYou are presaging a post I have in mind to write. So I'll be sure to keep your comments in mind. I agree that putting positive energy out there is what's important. No matter how small the act. Thank you so much for your wonderful and hard-won insights. Please come back and continue the conversation with us.
Thank you for sharing and starting this blog. I will be following.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jan. And thank you for your comments and the book recommendation, Frank. Your journey has clearly been extraordinarily painful. My sincere condolences on the death of your child.
ReplyDeleteSunny
Thank you Sunny, so much appreciated. Although it's cliché, I do believe all things do happen for a reason. Rather than looking upon them as "woe me", I would rather look upon them as gifts that help us in our spiritual search and growth. Putting them to use in that way is much more beneficial than doting on the negative aspects which do no good at all.
ReplyDeleteFrank, you have clearly worked through a great deal and have come to a large place in your life. Anyone who would have a legitimate reason for 'woe is me' or 'poor me' is certainly a parent who has lost a child!
ReplyDeleteI agree with you; after the shock, grief and anger and ultimate 'healing' (or acceptance) these huge life challenges can be looked at as unique ways to grow and also help others.
As with everything, it's a choice. You have to choose to use your pain for someone else's good. It's not fair and it's a role you never would have chosen, but you are there.
I think if we can help someone else with what we have suffered with and healed from in our own lives, this gives a deeper purpose to our lives. It's redemptive. We're wounded healers.
Something no one in their right mind would have ever chosen, that's for sure.
So well said Sunny. Thank you, and blessings to you.
DeleteAbove reply from Sunny.
ReplyDeleteWell said Jan... Are you living my life???
ReplyDeletePerhaps we are twins separated at birth!
ReplyDeleteYou know, Jan, I have been thinking about your opening statement - and challenge. Maybe I'm being simplistic, but I think it's the people who want to 'play the fool for God' are ultimately the ones who make most of the significant additions to the world.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, the other evening I, and a churchful of people, were absolutely astounded by the talent of 'Destiny Africa.' This is a group of orphans from Uganda who sing and dance and play mean drums. Truly extraordinary.Only these orphans are not really orphans . . .
What I found most extraordinary, was that these orphans who live in the Kampala Children's Center have been adopted by the Center! They live in houses of about 12 children each with a house mother. They are a family. They are not like orphans who once lived - abandoned - in institutions; or like our foster chldren - children who live in a family but are Not a legal part of that family. How hurtful to belong, yet not belong.
In our system children wait to be chosen by someone. But at Kampala, the center itself has adopted all of these children. So, they do not live as temporary residents, waiting for the parents who may or may not come, they are immediately put in a 'family' and they learn what being a member of a loving family is all about. What an incredibly creative and effective way to care for abandoned children!!!
Now this is out of the box thinking . . . the minister who started this program was really out on a limb doing this. But I think it is a brilliant solution to a devastating problem.
Jan, keep on keeping on. Easy to say, yes, I know. But your desire to follow your inner self and be a fool for God will lead you into most unique places. I admire your strength in saying yes to a unique life journey.
Sunny
You made me cry again. Thank you Sunny! And thank you for sharing with others the fabulous experience we shared at the concert. It was a gift to everyone.
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