Fading Away

     It feels a little bit like death when I think about moving in with John.  For the second time in my life, I am letting go of almost everything to move into a new phase of my life.  The move will not happen soon; heaven knows there is still much to prepare for and do, selling the house is but one thing.  But I'm aware of yet another James Taylor lyric that I often sing:  "What do I do when my dream comes true?"  
     After 15 years in a difficult marriage, I pursued singlehood with a vengeance.  I had to be able to do it all myself, or find trustworthy people to do it for me.  I had to remake an identity.  Who was I when I was no longer in a relationship?  I pretty much figured that out.  For 15 years I've been living that life, and it has been a wow!  Every bit of it.
     But a year ago, something inside me said it's time to learn how to be in a relationship--a great relationship!  And so I stepped into the world of online dating, something one should do only if one's sense of humor is fully developed.  Eight months later, there was John, the Unicorn!  Thank you God!  And I could not have envisioned a more perfect partner.  We are not completely alike.  Where we differ, it is instructive for both of us.  And where we are alike it is effortless.  But it means surrendering this life for another.  Already I'm having to do laundry differently, walk more, and eat graham crackers.  John is having to let me pick out new colors for the house (good riddance harvest gold!), cook more interesting foods, and throw out 30 years of accumulated non-essentials.  These changes bring us closer together and help us to form a "we."  But there will be more changes to come.  When I sell the house, I will grieve.  It is not in great shape, but it is 93 years old and full of character.  The arts and crafts style front door.  The stained-glass window.  The two porches.  The soothing light and openness.  It holds so many memories.  And then there are my neighbors; ugh, I don't even want to think of leaving them!  But the other aspect of my life I'll be surrendering is struggle.  I've been engaged in struggle for a very long time.  This feels like my life, my identity.  And moving into a place where the house is in far better repair and someone is in my life to share decisions and sorrows will make my life easier.  For a few days surrendering to this new life felt like a cop out, and I'll be writing more on this to be sure.  But what I realized is that finally I have what I desired.  One of my dreams has come true.  It just threw me off center for a while before I understood that.
     As I learned the last time I did this, my life is more fluid and permeable than my environment.  Even more than my thoughts and notions.  If I stay open remarkable things happen.  I grow.  And this time I get to grow with another.  So the next year will be tricky.  Like a traveler in Star Trek's transporter, part of me will be here and part of me there until I materialize in one place.  It will not be comfortable or easy.  But I wanted you to be aware in case I started to look fuzzy to you.

Pax tecum.