Faith over Fear Part 2

     When last I wrote about this, I was grasping the greater meaning of what I was doing with my life.  My family's concerns to the contrary, I am living this way on purpose.  I am living without predictable income and tasks to do.  But I do have a goal:  To learn if God/The Universe does interact with us if we get our ego out of the way enough to receive It.  But let me go a bit deeper here.
     This is not easy, believe me.  My days are pretty good.  Nighttime evokes terror every time I go to bed.  "What the hell am I doing?!?!  This is madness!  GET A JOB!"  But I don't want a job; I want my work.  There's a difference.  The distinction is something I feel very keenly, and an inner voice keeps driving me to trust more and more, against all logic.  This terror then drives me to prayer.  But I started to pay attention to the heart of all my prayers regardless of how I couched them.  I'm begging for certainty.  It's why I go to the weather reports.  I want certainty--now--that it will get above freezing next week.  I'm asking God to promise me that everything will be fine, and that it will always be fine over long spans of time.  But I every time I ask God, "Will you take care of me?" God responds with another question: "Do you love your life?"  I'm tempted to think that's a cop out.  Then I realize, no, it is my question that is the cop out.  
     What if we are here to love, and out of love the only thing we can do is create?  Not apologize, not beg, not demand.  Create.  Out of what we are and what sets us afire.  Maybe our life is a direct connection with the Universe.  Maybe we are taking care of ourselves when we love how we live--not necessarily in comfort or predictability, but in service, appreciation, awe.  Maybe we are taken care of when we reflect these things rather than the fear of not being certain what's in store for us.  That's what I am actively pursuing in this experiment of living.  How does our inner world--faith, love, gratitude, wonder--intertwine with the outer world--relationships, work, sustenance, opportunities?   It feels daily like walking on the edge.  But my inner voice persists in doing this mad thing.  A bit as John Francis walked everywhere for 22 years or Jerry Wennstrom destroyed his art, gave away all he owned, and lived 17 years without ego and only in the moment, I'm following an imperative, testing the limits of my faith and pushing through the fear of uncertainty...although hardly in the dramatic way these chaps did; I am not in their league!
     In the film, "I Am" Desmond Tutu is being interviewed about what is right with the world.  He smiles a boyish, innocent smile, and in that warm, musical voice he remarks, "God says, 'You know what?  I don't have anybody else...except you.' "  
     Kinda hard to say "no," dontcha think?

Pax tecum.