It's not Brain Surgery

     This past week I have been beside myself with excitement.  I get to interview a world-renowned neurosurgeon and researcher, an inventor of medical devices, a major philanthropist, and a promoter of peace, compassion, and altruism.  And it's all the same person!  I needed to research our guest and the credits to his name are jaw dropping.  This man is changing the world one patient at a time, one research project at a time, one blog at a time, one conference at a time.  The only thing he doesn't have is his own cooking show.  Someone of this reputation could leave me feeling like a slacker.  But there's a back story with another character.

     Our guest grew up in grueling poverty within a family that really could not raise him well.  The odds were stacked against him, and the future looked as tough and grim as the past and present.  Then one day he wandered into a local store.  A conversation ensued with the shopkeeper.  God only knows what the woman saw in him, but she asked him to come back and see her daily for the next six weeks.  She then proceeded to teach him the practice of compassion, meditation, gratitude, and positive thinking.  It him put him on a trajectory more incredible than he ever could have imagined. 
     This man, as inspiring as he is, might never have become this man were it not for this anonymous-to-us woman who owned a store and took the time simply to talk with him.  She deserves to share the accolades of his work and successes.  What this woman's story, brief though it is, says to me, is that we never know when we are going to be a role model for someone else.  We never know when something we say drops like a seed in fertile ground and becomes an orange tree. 
     People listen and watch us more than we know.  And this is especially true of children.  So let us be mindful of our words, our actions, our character.  We don't have to be a brain surgeon to make a difference in another's life.  But by simply being the best of who we are, we could help to create one.

Pax tecum.

Fading Away

     It feels a little bit like death when I think about moving in with John.  For the second time in my life, I am letting go of almost everything to move into a new phase of my life.  The move will not happen soon; heaven knows there is still much to prepare for and do, selling the house is but one thing.  But I'm aware of yet another James Taylor lyric that I often sing:  "What do I do when my dream comes true?"  
     After 15 years in a difficult marriage, I pursued singlehood with a vengeance.  I had to be able to do it all myself, or find trustworthy people to do it for me.  I had to remake an identity.  Who was I when I was no longer in a relationship?  I pretty much figured that out.  For 15 years I've been living that life, and it has been a wow!  Every bit of it.
     But a year ago, something inside me said it's time to learn how to be in a relationship--a great relationship!  And so I stepped into the world of online dating, something one should do only if one's sense of humor is fully developed.  Eight months later, there was John, the Unicorn!  Thank you God!  And I could not have envisioned a more perfect partner.  We are not completely alike.  Where we differ, it is instructive for both of us.  And where we are alike it is effortless.  But it means surrendering this life for another.  Already I'm having to do laundry differently, walk more, and eat graham crackers.  John is having to let me pick out new colors for the house (good riddance harvest gold!), cook more interesting foods, and throw out 30 years of accumulated non-essentials.  These changes bring us closer together and help us to form a "we."  But there will be more changes to come.  When I sell the house, I will grieve.  It is not in great shape, but it is 93 years old and full of character.  The arts and crafts style front door.  The stained-glass window.  The two porches.  The soothing light and openness.  It holds so many memories.  And then there are my neighbors; ugh, I don't even want to think of leaving them!  But the other aspect of my life I'll be surrendering is struggle.  I've been engaged in struggle for a very long time.  This feels like my life, my identity.  And moving into a place where the house is in far better repair and someone is in my life to share decisions and sorrows will make my life easier.  For a few days surrendering to this new life felt like a cop out, and I'll be writing more on this to be sure.  But what I realized is that finally I have what I desired.  One of my dreams has come true.  It just threw me off center for a while before I understood that.
     As I learned the last time I did this, my life is more fluid and permeable than my environment.  Even more than my thoughts and notions.  If I stay open remarkable things happen.  I grow.  And this time I get to grow with another.  So the next year will be tricky.  Like a traveler in Star Trek's transporter, part of me will be here and part of me there until I materialize in one place.  It will not be comfortable or easy.  But I wanted you to be aware in case I started to look fuzzy to you.

Pax tecum.

Faith over Fear Part 2

     When last I wrote about this, I was grasping the greater meaning of what I was doing with my life.  My family's concerns to the contrary, I am living this way on purpose.  I am living without predictable income and tasks to do.  But I do have a goal:  To learn if God/The Universe does interact with us if we get our ego out of the way enough to receive It.  But let me go a bit deeper here.
     This is not easy, believe me.  My days are pretty good.  Nighttime evokes terror every time I go to bed.  "What the hell am I doing?!?!  This is madness!  GET A JOB!"  But I don't want a job; I want my work.  There's a difference.  The distinction is something I feel very keenly, and an inner voice keeps driving me to trust more and more, against all logic.  This terror then drives me to prayer.  But I started to pay attention to the heart of all my prayers regardless of how I couched them.  I'm begging for certainty.  It's why I go to the weather reports.  I want certainty--now--that it will get above freezing next week.  I'm asking God to promise me that everything will be fine, and that it will always be fine over long spans of time.  But I every time I ask God, "Will you take care of me?" God responds with another question: "Do you love your life?"  I'm tempted to think that's a cop out.  Then I realize, no, it is my question that is the cop out.  
     What if we are here to love, and out of love the only thing we can do is create?  Not apologize, not beg, not demand.  Create.  Out of what we are and what sets us afire.  Maybe our life is a direct connection with the Universe.  Maybe we are taking care of ourselves when we love how we live--not necessarily in comfort or predictability, but in service, appreciation, awe.  Maybe we are taken care of when we reflect these things rather than the fear of not being certain what's in store for us.  That's what I am actively pursuing in this experiment of living.  How does our inner world--faith, love, gratitude, wonder--intertwine with the outer world--relationships, work, sustenance, opportunities?   It feels daily like walking on the edge.  But my inner voice persists in doing this mad thing.  A bit as John Francis walked everywhere for 22 years or Jerry Wennstrom destroyed his art, gave away all he owned, and lived 17 years without ego and only in the moment, I'm following an imperative, testing the limits of my faith and pushing through the fear of uncertainty...although hardly in the dramatic way these chaps did; I am not in their league!
     In the film, "I Am" Desmond Tutu is being interviewed about what is right with the world.  He smiles a boyish, innocent smile, and in that warm, musical voice he remarks, "God says, 'You know what?  I don't have anybody else...except you.' "  
     Kinda hard to say "no," dontcha think?

Pax tecum.
    

Accepting Angels as We Find Them

    Today's theme harkens back to previous ones on giving and receiving.  But this time it's with an uncomfortable twist.
     You may recall Maria and her husband Luis (the Latino Thich Nhat Hanh).  It is so easy to love them.  They are quiet, generous, and the language barrier creates a boundary we can step in and out of, but it is a boundary just the same.  I've always said, boundaries are my friends.  I love boundaries.  They give me control.  Like floodgates, when I need watering I open them; when I'm drowning I close them.
     On the other side of my house is "Jack."  Jack is an elderly man with an alcohol problem and few friends.  I've seen a couple of what look like social workers, family members, and fellow alcoholics.  But even their visits are infrequent.  His eyes are perpetually glazed over, he can be coherent but more often than not he isn't, and he is often seen in his bathrobe.  He lives next door one floor above me.  It is important for you to understand this.  This photo is taken from my second floor porch.  My car is ground level...obviously.  But it is from this porch that Jack makes his presence known to me in the most unnerving manner.
     "HEY LADY!!! HOW YA DOIN'?"  The size of the font does not do justice to the sound of his voice blaring out from above me when I least expect it, from dawn to black of night.  If he is sitting on his porch when he sees me, he'll treat me to this most upsetting greeting.  It's upsetting because a) I can't see him, so it catches me off guard, b) my mind is generally on something else, and I'm jarred out of my thoughts, and c) there's no privacy from him.  I spent half the summer trying to catch a glimpse of his porch before heading out.  If I saw him, I'd wait for a more opportune moment to dash to my car and beat it out of the driveway.  I felt like an escapee from my own home.
     But being on Service Space has opened my mind to being in the world in different ways.  So when Thanksgiving came with Maria's 20-pound apples, John and I decided to share some with Jack.  John volunteered to go up to his apartment and deliver them.  Jack was so appreciative that he reciprocated an hour later by showing up at my front door barefoot and in his bathrobe with a carton of Borden's--Borden's--egg nog.  "I don't buy no cheap stuff," Jack assured me, and insisted we join him for a fortified glass of it.  We thanked him but made our excuses.
     And that's when I started to thaw a bit.  I realized that in his own way, Jack wants to be a part of our neighborhood.  He wants friends.  I still want boundaries, but I can be open to his greetings now without jumping out of my skin.  The scales really tipped just last week when he called out to me again, this time adding, "I'm always looking out for you!"  And in that moment, I was deeply touched.  Jack makes me uncomfortable because he breaches my boundaries, but he is looking out for me just the same.  He is another neighborhood angel who cares about me and wants to be cared about in return, even if I can only do it for a moment or two.  Angels may be drunk or dirty or noisy, but they are still angels.
     As I was taking my walk past his house yesterday, he yelled out to me, "I got it!"
     "What, Jack?" I asked.
     "It's a secret!"
     "Ok, I'll talk to you later."  And later, he showed up at my door, decked out in his bathrobe with two cartons of Borden's egg nog!  He mumbled something sotto voce that made no sense to me at all, but I genuinely smiled and thanked him; and he went on his way.
     So, egg nog anyone?

Pax tecum.

Expressing the Unspeakable

     For the past several months, I've been exploring some radical forms of Christianity.  No, this post is not designed to preach or proselytize; you may read it in absolute safety and comfort.  Let me simply use the space to share where my journey has taken me.
     I always thought that Christian Science was a fool's playground and kept far away from it.  But after research and conversations I start to see things with a different mind and more ease with this brand of faith.

Mary Baker Eddy, Founder of CS

So during a morning's meditation I was praying for relief from the constant pain in my back and shoulders.  CS believes that all sickness and fear is error in human mental thinking and that Divine Mind is the only reality.  In Divine Mind all is whole and perfect.  We are in Divine Mind.  And we are an expression of Divine Mind.  (It's more than that so please don't draw conclusions about this religion based solely on these comments.)  So I let my thoughts wander with this. What would it be like not only to live without pain, but to live without having to figure out how to relieve it?  What if I did allow Diving Mind/God/The Universe (insert the word of your preference here) to take care of it for me?  What if I let go of a need to control or have the answer and simply get out of the way of the expression?  Not only in this instance but in all things?  What would my life be like then?
     Then I began thinking of Meister Eckhart.  He was a 13th century Christian mystic who described God as "unspeakable" in that the concept, the power, the is-ness is beyond human comprehension.  But It is always "expressing" Itself through us and all things.  His sermons departed from the party line so extremely that he was posthumously censored.  You can see why I like this fellow.
    I began to feel excitement.  Anticipation.  Fun.  Yes, fun!  I would be experiencing my life as the power greater than myself took over and said, "Stand back, kid, and watch this!"  You know those times yourself.  Someone picks you up to go somewhere--you don't know where because it's a surprise--and suddenly you are in the midst of a delightful adventure.  It may be the restaurant you've always wanted to try or a visit with a friend you haven't seen in years.  You have no control over how it happens, but it's absolutely what you want, and you get it!  That's what this feels like to me.

Meister Eckhart, actually a fun guy!

     When I awake each day, I no longer ask, "What can I do to be of service?"  Now I wonder, "How will God express Itself through me today?"  I am less an operator in this scenario and more of an instrument.  I push and fret less, and I allow and open up to more.  The judgments are stilled as I trust that, whatever happens today, I am being used for a good purpose.  Sometimes I actively assist a friend with a project.  Other times I am the receptacle for others' gifts, allowing them to practice generosity.  Sometimes I am the laughter.  Or am I the stillness.  But more and more, I am allowing myself to be "the expression" of what is whole and perfect
     You don't have to read about CS or turn this into a religious quest.  But I do invite you to play with the idea of being an expression of the Universe and letting go of the need to know how and why and all those other cerebral blocks that masquerade as necessities.  Just see where It takes you today.  And if you have an adventure or an insight, please share it here with us.  Everyone loves a good story.

Pax tecum.

The Beginning of the World as We Create It

     On December 21, the rumor went, the Mayans predict the end of the world.  Remember?  I've been reading some new information about that.  Some of it seems to suggest that when they figured out how the cycle runs they just didn't bother to repeat it.  The calendar doesn't end so much as it has a coda.  But it is also the so-called dawning of the Age of Aquarius with a remarkable astronomical phenomenon which will take place when heavenly bodies line up in a way not to happen for another gazillion years.  While my jury is still out about astrology, I'm a believer in energy.  Does the moon afffect the tides and our emotions?  Is Reiki any stranger than Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle?  Western science and ancient healing practices all seem to be converging in their ideas of energy as life force.
     Collective consciousness is a form of energy.  How many of you read or listen to the news?  What you are consuming is certainly information, but it's not the only information there is.  It is the information that sells.  But if that is all we consume, our collective consciousness creates an energy that supports a fear-based world.  Here's news you may not have heard:  

• Belo Horizonte, Brazil ended hunger in its city because it chose to regard food as a human right.  And it is engaging local farmers to help.
• Farming community Wildpoldsried, Germany produces 321% more energy than it needs and is generating $5.7 million in annual revenue, all by choosing to go as green as possible.   
• 17-year-old Angela Zhang's after school project could lead to a potential cure for cancer. 

Imagine our collective energy if these were the lead stories, and war and corruption were relegated to small items in the backwater of the media.  The world could be heaven on Earth.
     So rather than think of December 21 as the end of the world as we know it, you are invited to think of it as a beginning.  Set aside some time to contemplate, write, or create a ritual as a way to lead you into the world as you imagine it.  What do you want to see?  How do you want to be?  How can you co-create with others?  If you need some inspiration, let me direct you to servicespace.org.  I'm volunteering with them, and let me tell you, the world is a beautiful place there!  Please visit it.  Then raise a glass with me and toast the Mayans on "New Age's Eve."

Pax tecum.

Faith over Fear Part One

     What is your life about?  What are the core values?  What do you want it to mean when it is done?  I ask myself these questions on a daily basis.  The answers are easy:  I want to be of service, I want to lead a more prayerful, mindful life, and I want to be wildly philanthropic.  I can't think of a more delightful way to pass my mortal hours than making someone's life a little lighter, putting more wholesome energy into the world, and supporting the work of others to make the world a better place.  This is no Miss America acceptance speech;  I mean it, down in the bones of my soul.  My life is about service through writing, teaching, facilitating, speaking, prayer, and philanthropy.  I want to use these gifts so much it hurts.
     At the same time, I have to pay bills; I want to participate in society.  That takes money.  Problem is I've never been comfortable holding down a job.  Nine to five, office politics, commuting--all of this just drains me, and it never really allows me to fulfill my mission unless I do that in my spare time.  Such a life is not for me, despite the fact that I have spent years doing it.  It seems such a waste.  I love "working."  I want to be supported through my work. I hate holding down "jobs."  But I've sacrificed my gifts and desires in order to make money.  I've given up my Life to do life.  
     Exactly two years ago I quit my job, expecting my dream to come true in a flash.  Instead my life went haywire.  The paid work I intended to do did not pan out.  Money was running short.  I was swinging from inspiration to abject terror on a regular basis.  I knew what I wanted to do, but how could I pull in the money?  Stay the course...no, get a job...no, stay the course....  I drove myself to distraction and anguish.  How do I get this to sync up?  But in that chaos and pain, here's what I learned:  When I was able to still the fear, things began to flow.  While the "jobs" I pursued evaded me, money came to me in the nick of time in the form of gifts and unexpected work.  
     Another such financial precipice was looming before me recently.  Not knowing how I would get through the next few months, I finally surrendered and sent up a prayer a few days ago saying, "I'm going to trust that things will work out.  I've got my passions for a reason, and holding down a job I don't really want interferes with fulfilling my mission even if it is taking care of me financially.  God, you have to figure this out for me, because I cannot."  And despite not knowing how this would play out, I let go of the fear, the confusion, the waffling, and I trusted.  I chose to live my Life on my terms.  I chose to be at peace.  A few days later, I unexpectedly received some inheritance money that will allow me to do all of the above for the next three months!
   This is the fifth time some work or monetary gift has come out of nowhere to help me.  Once is an interesting phenomenon.  Twice is a coincidence.  But five is a pattern, and it's trustworthy.  I don't know what will happen three months from now, and I am beginning to believe that's not my problem.  Until the end of February, I will be living my dream life, serving wherever I can, being philanthropic, developing a deeper contemplative and prayer-filled life. Because when God answers a prayer, I am obliged to fulfill my end of the bargain.
     To lead the life of our heart's desire requires us to let go of fear in order for the Universe to work with us.  We read this in many different spiritual traditions:

• In Zen Buddhism we find in the Five Mindfulness Trainings - I will practice coming back to the present moment to be in touch with the refreshing, healing and nourishing elements in me and around me, not letting regrets and sorrow drag me back into the past nor letting anxieties, fear, or craving pull me out of the present moment. 
• From the Christ's Sermon on the Mount - Do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 
• From the Five Precepts of Reiki - Just for today I will be free from worry.  
• In Mary Baker Eddy's "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures" - Always begin your treatment by allaying the fear of the patients.  Silently reassure them as to their exemption from disease and danger.  Watch the result of this simple rule of Christian Science, and you will find that it alleviates the symptoms of every disease.  If you succeed in wholly removing the fear your patient is healed.

This fascinates me.  These very different traditions all point to fear as that which separates us from our higher self, from wholeness, from fulfilling our purpose, from God.  So now I want to live my life as an experiment.  If I follow my heart's desire to be of service, to be philanthropic, to lead a more contemplative and prayerful life, does God provide the means?  It certainly seems so.  I deeply believe it is time to let go of my faith as an intellectual construct and give it breath and blood.  One does not live an extraordinary life by being conventional or buying into fears.  I don't know what my prospects will look like three months from now.  I no longer have to.  In the next three months, I will live the life I have longed for, in service, in peace, in congruence with my beliefs and values.  I'll let you know how it goes.

     If you could reduce your fear, how would you spend your life's energy, your gifts, your time?  I'd love to know.  Let me invite you to comment here, and share support and inspiration with others.

Pax tecum.